Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
