The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
