i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
