My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
