Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
