forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
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Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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