so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
