I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
my shit smells like andre
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
