Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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