I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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