You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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