I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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