I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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