Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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