Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
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I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
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I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
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