How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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