when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
