note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
