i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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