He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
