Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
