I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
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This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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