Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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