Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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