hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
