Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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