Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Randomize
