Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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