if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
