did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
