i think i have herpe
just one?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
