He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
