If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
