Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
