I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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