We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
