Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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