i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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