Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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