It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
