so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
