about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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