Who wears a wallet chain?!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
