I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
