i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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