i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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