fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
