that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
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The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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