Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You are the jesus of drinking
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
