Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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