happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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