I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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