2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my being single is dangerous.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
