i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I am one with the molecules
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
