Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I need to calm my uterus...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
