I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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